


I am the only one at the finish line

by emilia_kaisa



Series: advent challenge 2019 [14]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Letter, M/M, Not Beta Read, Post-Break Up, Sad, Songfic, This is just sad okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:14:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21778129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Why do I do this to myself every time?I know the way it ends before it's even begunI am the only one at the finish line
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: advent challenge 2019 [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559338
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	I am the only one at the finish line

**Author's Note:**

> 14th!  
> (I apologize I have no idea what this fic was supposed to be, but enjoy the angst I guess haha)   
> Song: 'Fireworks' by First Aid Kit

_Why do I do this to myself every time?_

_I know the way it ends before it's even begun_

_I am the only one at the finish line_

From all the things I’ve done, breaking your heart was both the hardest and the easiest one. 

It was easy, because you’re so fragile, deep inside, even though you’re trying to hide it. But I knew, I always knew how much words could hurt you, especially falling from the lips of people you cared about. So I took advantage of that, of your vulnerability and your kindness, and… and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry, that instead of accepting what you wanted to give me, I took your heart and crushed it. I regret it every single day, every word I said, and if I could turn back time I would, I would, and I would do everything differently. 

I would tell you the truth. 

And you know why it was the hardest? Because I loved you too.

I’m pretty sure you knew that, even though I didn’t say a word about it, and maybe that was why you didn’t try to fight, because is there a point in that, when someone is giving up? I gave up on you, and you let me go, and it still haunts me, the way you looked at me, like you were giving up too. 

Maybe I shouldn’t do that now. So much time passed, but it’s still so vivid in my head, in my heart, and I just wanted to let you know how much regret I’m still carrying with me. And I wanted to tell you that I know that it wasn’t worth it. I thought I had to sacrifice everything in order to become the best, but in the end it was one of the reasons I fell, and why now I’m sitting here alone, staring at the rain.

It’s cold in here, Javi. And I miss you so much it hurts. 

I guess I chose it myself, loneliness. It didn't seem like a such a bad idea back then, because skating had to come first, ahead of everyone, including you. And I used to think it paid off, becuase I've got everything I ever wanted, right? 

I don't think that, anymore.

I hope you’re doing okay, now. I never thanked you for the invitation, and I hope you understand why I didn’t show up. This would be too much, for both of us. But I hope one day I will gather enough courage and stop being a fool, because I’m the one who brought it on myself, on both of us. And in the end, I still need you in my life, somehow, and I hope you will let me in again, in whatever role you want me. 

Take care, Javi. I hope you’re warm.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
